[When Pel sees that face, she is reminded that she is very fortunate to have Merrick and Cyril, and even Gavin for the short time she had him. People have said that word to her before, and Alistair looks like someone very unaccustomed to hearing it. She hugs him tightly, as if she can make up for all the people who never said it to him before. She does love him, and it's a terrible thing for love to be unspoken.
Then he says it back, and her eyes slide shut. She doesn't have time to school her face before he's stepping back and looking at her, and he can see the pure elation on her face until he speaks. Then she chokes on a laugh.]
No, I'm not. I mean I've thought of them before, but never decided on anything. Any suggestions?
[ He named his dog Doghren. He knows himself well enough to abstain from this. ]
When you do have ideas, I'll be here to tell you what horrible jokes and nicknames the other children might make of them, so you can avoid the worst ones. I'm an expert.
[ Alistair extends a hand to shake on it, but his smile doesn't last very long. ]
I'm really sorry, [ he says, and hesitates on the edge of the precipice before jumping off— ] I have a child who I don't— [ See? He does now. Acknowledge? Ehhh. Trying to avoid lying, he hesitates and then skips the end of the sentence altogether. ] It's just how things had to be. So I'm a little... [ Oversensitive. He skips that word too. He's doing really well here. ] It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass.
[It takes her a bit, because she's having to get through this thing where Alistair has a child. Really, the last words she could possibly have expected out of his mouth were I have a child because usually you know when a loved one has a child. Her perception is having to stretch a bit.
Her mind fills in the gaps there. "I have a child who I don't--[whatever it is, there's distance involved and things are not ideal and it makes me sad and touchy about fathers being kept out of their childrens' lives]. It's just how things had to be [which means I didn't choose this way at all] So I'm a little... [hurt because life took me away from my parents and now it's taken me away from being a parent]. It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass."
Pel encircles his waist with her arms again for another tight squeeze.]
Don't mention it. It's done and forgiven. I'm sorry about your...little one. [Clumsily steering clear of gendered nouns.] Whatever the situation is, it must be hard for you.
[ Alistair makes a vague sort of noise, because he doesn't disagree that it's hard—but only lately hard in the way Pel means. For most of the last decade it's mostly been hard to imagine Morrigan and her tentacled fire-breathing archdemon baby out there somewhere and to worry about what sort of villainy she might get up to with an old god soul and wonder if he did the right thing or if he was a coward— ]
She, [ he lies, and if it's a little awkward hopefully that's disguised by his overall awkwardness, but adding some sort of layer of deception seems like a good idea when Kieran is wandering around with his nose and a plausible timeline and Alistair doesn't want Morrigan to belatedly bite off his head, ] is with her mother, and she's safe. But she wouldn't be if anyone knew. I'm not being paranoid, I'm—real people I really know might kill her.
[ That's skipping a few steps. It's possible he is actually being paranoid. But keeping Kieran away from the Wardens would be that much more tricky if all these Wardens who are sort of his friends knew and started paying attention to him, and his oddities, and the timing of his birth, and the unsolved mystery of how Cousland walked away from the Archdemon. ]
Never. [One more squeeze, then she breaks away and smiles up at him. With his lineage, she can imagine reasons it's such a secret, but she won't ask or assume. Maybe it's something entirely different. He has his reasons, whatever they are.] Not even to the people who don't count as telling people.
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Then he says it back, and her eyes slide shut. She doesn't have time to school her face before he's stepping back and looking at her, and he can see the pure elation on her face until he speaks. Then she chokes on a laugh.]
No, I'm not. I mean I've thought of them before, but never decided on anything. Any suggestions?
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[ He named his dog Doghren. He knows himself well enough to abstain from this. ]
When you do have ideas, I'll be here to tell you what horrible jokes and nicknames the other children might make of them, so you can avoid the worst ones. I'm an expert.
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I'm really sorry, [ he says, and hesitates on the edge of the precipice before jumping off— ] I have a child who I don't— [ See? He does now. Acknowledge? Ehhh. Trying to avoid lying, he hesitates and then skips the end of the sentence altogether. ] It's just how things had to be. So I'm a little... [ Oversensitive. He skips that word too. He's doing really well here. ] It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass.
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Her mind fills in the gaps there. "I have a child who I don't--[whatever it is, there's distance involved and things are not ideal and it makes me sad and touchy about fathers being kept out of their childrens' lives]. It's just how things had to be [which means I didn't choose this way at all] So I'm a little... [hurt because life took me away from my parents and now it's taken me away from being a parent]. It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass."
Pel encircles his waist with her arms again for another tight squeeze.]
Don't mention it. It's done and forgiven. I'm sorry about your...little one. [Clumsily steering clear of gendered nouns.] Whatever the situation is, it must be hard for you.
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She, [ he lies, and if it's a little awkward hopefully that's disguised by his overall awkwardness, but adding some sort of layer of deception seems like a good idea when Kieran is wandering around with his nose and a plausible timeline and Alistair doesn't want Morrigan to belatedly bite off his head, ] is with her mother, and she's safe. But she wouldn't be if anyone knew. I'm not being paranoid, I'm—real people I really know might kill her.
[ That's skipping a few steps. It's possible he is actually being paranoid. But keeping Kieran away from the Wardens would be that much more tricky if all these Wardens who are sort of his friends knew and started paying attention to him, and his oddities, and the timing of his birth, and the unsolved mystery of how Cousland walked away from the Archdemon. ]
So don't say anything to anyone else. Please.
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