That you're pregnant? [ He raises one eyebrow, and there's a hint of a smile around the corners of his eyes. What he means is that there's nothing to apologize for. He doesn't really know what to do with apologies, anyway; he doesn't get many of them. Gives plenty, though, so he's more at ease sitting back a little and saying, ] I'm sorry for being insensitive and implying you were humorless.
[She moves in, as she does, tucking herself against him for a hug.]
Zevran came round after Lucci arrived and asked people to be part of his family. And it made sense, because that was how I grew up. I didn't really have parents, just a clan. Children ought to have clans.
[ Alistair makes a face, or several faces in quick succession, each of them some variation on flattered but unsure, and makes a noise in his throat -- the sound of someone stopping themselves from telling someone else things they already know, like I won't be here long. Not even because of the lifespan thing. When Corypheus is defeated, he'll have things to do elsewhere.
She knows, though. Zevran knew, too, and he still asked. So he shuts himself up before he even starts talking, hugs her with one arm and rubs his mouth with his other wrist, and says, ] All right. Of course.
[She understands, and respects, that Alistair loves his job. She loves hers too. But for now, they are in the same place at the same time, and so they can be clan. She wraps her arms around his waist and gives him a squeeze before breaking away with a quick smile.]
Since you're clan now, you should learn not to leave your ribs exposed.
[Her hands, still on his waist, start tickling his ribs.]
[ That question is answered immediately. He crumples into himself where he's sitting, making a strangled noise that's a near cousin to a laugh, and drops the bread out of the hand he'd put around her onto the ground. ]
[ For a moment Alistair's face goes blank with overwhelmed incomprehension, because he's heard that from one other person in his entire memory (who was clothed and coherent at the time), and only after being that person's most reliable friend for ten years. It's only a fraction of a second--or Pel only gets to see it for a fraction of a second, anyway, because he hugs her again (which involves crushing the bread against her back a bit, poor bread) and if he continues looking like an idiot after that point he does it over the top of her head. ]
Me, too, [ he says, on both counts, and then steps back to hold both of her shoulders and beam. ] Are you one of those girls with a list of baby names already?
[When Pel sees that face, she is reminded that she is very fortunate to have Merrick and Cyril, and even Gavin for the short time she had him. People have said that word to her before, and Alistair looks like someone very unaccustomed to hearing it. She hugs him tightly, as if she can make up for all the people who never said it to him before. She does love him, and it's a terrible thing for love to be unspoken.
Then he says it back, and her eyes slide shut. She doesn't have time to school her face before he's stepping back and looking at her, and he can see the pure elation on her face until he speaks. Then she chokes on a laugh.]
No, I'm not. I mean I've thought of them before, but never decided on anything. Any suggestions?
[ He named his dog Doghren. He knows himself well enough to abstain from this. ]
When you do have ideas, I'll be here to tell you what horrible jokes and nicknames the other children might make of them, so you can avoid the worst ones. I'm an expert.
[ Alistair extends a hand to shake on it, but his smile doesn't last very long. ]
I'm really sorry, [ he says, and hesitates on the edge of the precipice before jumping off— ] I have a child who I don't— [ See? He does now. Acknowledge? Ehhh. Trying to avoid lying, he hesitates and then skips the end of the sentence altogether. ] It's just how things had to be. So I'm a little... [ Oversensitive. He skips that word too. He's doing really well here. ] It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass.
[It takes her a bit, because she's having to get through this thing where Alistair has a child. Really, the last words she could possibly have expected out of his mouth were I have a child because usually you know when a loved one has a child. Her perception is having to stretch a bit.
Her mind fills in the gaps there. "I have a child who I don't--[whatever it is, there's distance involved and things are not ideal and it makes me sad and touchy about fathers being kept out of their childrens' lives]. It's just how things had to be [which means I didn't choose this way at all] So I'm a little... [hurt because life took me away from my parents and now it's taken me away from being a parent]. It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass."
Pel encircles his waist with her arms again for another tight squeeze.]
Don't mention it. It's done and forgiven. I'm sorry about your...little one. [Clumsily steering clear of gendered nouns.] Whatever the situation is, it must be hard for you.
[ Alistair makes a vague sort of noise, because he doesn't disagree that it's hard—but only lately hard in the way Pel means. For most of the last decade it's mostly been hard to imagine Morrigan and her tentacled fire-breathing archdemon baby out there somewhere and to worry about what sort of villainy she might get up to with an old god soul and wonder if he did the right thing or if he was a coward— ]
She, [ he lies, and if it's a little awkward hopefully that's disguised by his overall awkwardness, but adding some sort of layer of deception seems like a good idea when Kieran is wandering around with his nose and a plausible timeline and Alistair doesn't want Morrigan to belatedly bite off his head, ] is with her mother, and she's safe. But she wouldn't be if anyone knew. I'm not being paranoid, I'm—real people I really know might kill her.
[ That's skipping a few steps. It's possible he is actually being paranoid. But keeping Kieran away from the Wardens would be that much more tricky if all these Wardens who are sort of his friends knew and started paying attention to him, and his oddities, and the timing of his birth, and the unsolved mystery of how Cousland walked away from the Archdemon. ]
Never. [One more squeeze, then she breaks away and smiles up at him. With his lineage, she can imagine reasons it's such a secret, but she won't ask or assume. Maybe it's something entirely different. He has his reasons, whatever they are.] Not even to the people who don't count as telling people.
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Zevran came round after Lucci arrived and asked people to be part of his family. And it made sense, because that was how I grew up. I didn't really have parents, just a clan. Children ought to have clans.
[She looks up at him.]
Would you be part of our clan?
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She knows, though. Zevran knew, too, and he still asked. So he shuts himself up before he even starts talking, hugs her with one arm and rubs his mouth with his other wrist, and says, ] All right. Of course.
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Since you're clan now, you should learn not to leave your ribs exposed.
[Her hands, still on his waist, start tickling his ribs.]
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[ That question is answered immediately. He crumples into himself where he's sitting, making a strangled noise that's a near cousin to a laugh, and drops the bread out of the hand he'd put around her onto the ground. ]
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I love you very much, you know, [she says in a manner that leaves no guesswork as to the platonic nature of her love.] I'm glad you're here.
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Me, too, [ he says, on both counts, and then steps back to hold both of her shoulders and beam. ] Are you one of those girls with a list of baby names already?
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Then he says it back, and her eyes slide shut. She doesn't have time to school her face before he's stepping back and looking at her, and he can see the pure elation on her face until he speaks. Then she chokes on a laugh.]
No, I'm not. I mean I've thought of them before, but never decided on anything. Any suggestions?
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[ He named his dog Doghren. He knows himself well enough to abstain from this. ]
When you do have ideas, I'll be here to tell you what horrible jokes and nicknames the other children might make of them, so you can avoid the worst ones. I'm an expert.
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I'm really sorry, [ he says, and hesitates on the edge of the precipice before jumping off— ] I have a child who I don't— [ See? He does now. Acknowledge? Ehhh. Trying to avoid lying, he hesitates and then skips the end of the sentence altogether. ] It's just how things had to be. So I'm a little... [ Oversensitive. He skips that word too. He's doing really well here. ] It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass.
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Her mind fills in the gaps there. "I have a child who I don't--[whatever it is, there's distance involved and things are not ideal and it makes me sad and touchy about fathers being kept out of their childrens' lives]. It's just how things had to be [which means I didn't choose this way at all] So I'm a little... [hurt because life took me away from my parents and now it's taken me away from being a parent]. It's not an excuse. I'm sorry I was mean. And I'm sorry he's a jackass."
Pel encircles his waist with her arms again for another tight squeeze.]
Don't mention it. It's done and forgiven. I'm sorry about your...little one. [Clumsily steering clear of gendered nouns.] Whatever the situation is, it must be hard for you.
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She, [ he lies, and if it's a little awkward hopefully that's disguised by his overall awkwardness, but adding some sort of layer of deception seems like a good idea when Kieran is wandering around with his nose and a plausible timeline and Alistair doesn't want Morrigan to belatedly bite off his head, ] is with her mother, and she's safe. But she wouldn't be if anyone knew. I'm not being paranoid, I'm—real people I really know might kill her.
[ That's skipping a few steps. It's possible he is actually being paranoid. But keeping Kieran away from the Wardens would be that much more tricky if all these Wardens who are sort of his friends knew and started paying attention to him, and his oddities, and the timing of his birth, and the unsolved mystery of how Cousland walked away from the Archdemon. ]
So don't say anything to anyone else. Please.
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